Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You
by cranesinthesky
Summary: One-shot. Michonne is processing the pain from Negan's new authority over the group. Takes place after episode 7x4.


" _Someday this pain will be useful to you."_

Deanna's words rang in her head as Michonne slowly lowered herself onto the couch. She was tired, emotionally and physically. She felt as though the walls were closing in on her, leaving little space to move and barely any oxygen to breathe. Negan's authority over Alexandria was excruciating. After having so much control of what went on inside the walls of Alexandria, she never thought they would lose it- or some of their own people.

She clamped her eyes shut to keep the tears from streaming down her face when she thought back to that night with Negan and the Saviors. How he took away Glenn and Abraham in the most horrible way. The family had been through so much together, but nothing could prepare them for this. Everything was looking up for them; Glenn was going to be a father and Abraham was embarking on a new relationship with Sasha. Michonne's heart hurt when she thought of Maggie and Sasha. As if having to watch the world go to shit wasn't cruel enough, taking away the future of those men and women was even crueler. After being on the road for those two months from Georgia to Virginia, they were allowed to finally embrace life again. To reap the benefits of still being alive and making life work in the new world.

The tears finally escaped from Michonne's eyes and streamed down her cheeks like a waterfall as she gripped the edge of the sofa. The living room was dark with the exception of the lantern on the coffee table across from her. The house was quiet. Carl was in his room most likely reading his comic books to distract himself of the event that happened just days ago. Rick was putting Judith to sleep. Daryl was out keeping guard at the gate, taking over Sasha's shift while she was away with Maggie at the Hilltop.

The stillness of everything gave Michonne a rare moment to just sit and process her thoughts. She couldn't dwell on them too much though. She couldn't afford to break, not right now. She still needed to hold on, especially for Carl, Judith and Rick. She refused to go back to the shell she was before she showed up at the prison. She was just like a walker back then, wandering around lifeless, except she was still living. After Andre and Mike died, she didn't see a point in living; there was nothing left to live and strive for. But Carl brought her back. Rick brought her back. She couldn't let them down. Not when lives were at stake. They needed her and she needed them.

However, today was the second time in a while when she felt helpless (with the first being Glenn and Abraham's deaths). Seeing those burned mattresses on the side of the road earlier that day was brutal. Everything that they had fought for was snatched from their hands. The Saviors were playing with people's life like it was a joke. As soon as they had found something good in the world, shit hit the fan.

Michonne leaned forward, elbows on her knees, and put her face in her hands. This needed to come out. Tears continued to fall and whimpers escaped from her mouth as she let out the pain she had been holding in. She was so engrossed in her grief she didn't hear the footsteps coming down the stairs and then towards the living room.

"Michonne."

Her crying subsided once she heard the familiar voice with the Southern drawl as he walked up behind her. She stayed still as he made his way around the couch and crouched down in front of her, placing his large hand on her knee. She could smell Judith's lavender bath wash on him from when he gave her a bath just two hours earlier.

She removed her hands and wiped her face, embarrassed to know that he had seen her like this. Never before had she broke down in front of him- or anyone in their group to be honest. She was sure that they thought she was this tough person, almost able to take on anything. If only they knew the pain she had been through silently.

Rick took one of her hands in his and tilted her face upward with the other hand so that he could look into her eyes. She sniffled once she saw the pain, frustration and sadness in his, which she was sure mirrored her own. She also noticed that his shoulders were literally slumped from all of the weight he had carried from being the leader of the group. He was suffering even more than her and here she was engrossed in her own thoughts.

"They burned our mattresses," she whispered, keeping her eyes on his. "All of them. I saw it today on the side of the road a couple of miles from here."

Rick's eyes closed and he hung his head. Michonne knew the confession would hurt him, but he deserved to know. A part of her was hoping that he would want to fight back, to get back to the way everything was before. However, the other part of her knew he wouldn't. Not right now at least.

Rick seemed to have read her thoughts. "We can't fight back. Not right now. I can't lose anybody else."

Michonne nodded. "I know."

He looked up at her with those blue eyes, pleading with her to understand. She cupped his cheek with her hand, signaling that she understood. She wasn't completely on board, though, but for tonight she would be.

Rick nodded his thanks and stood, her hand still in his. He motioned for her to stand as well. Her stepped closer to her and lightly placed a kiss on her forehead. The contact sent chills throughout her body. She missed being close to him, kissing him, making love to him. They had only embarked on their relationship a couple of weeks ago, but for the past couple of days they had been distant. Each morning, they woke up facing away from one another, a sharp contrast from when they used to wake up in each other's arms. She silently cursed Negan for taking away their happiness, but vowed to get it back soon.

He led her upstairs to their bedroom. With the mattress gone, they had made a pallet as a makeshift bed by the window with a sheet and blanket. Rick proceeded to undress, removing his boots, jeans and brown t-shirt, leaving him in just his boxers. Michonne followed suit, removing her clothes and changing into pajama bottoms. She searched for a tank top or t-shirt in her dresser drawer. Unsuccessful, she slammed her hand on the top of the dresser in frustration. She then felt Rick softly touch her arm. She turned to see him hand her one of his t-shirts. She offered a small smile as her thanks, again, embarrassed by her actions.

Once she put the shirt on, Rick led her to the pallet. He pulled the blanket back and waited until she lay down in her spot before he slipped in behind her, her back to his front- their favorite position. She reveled in his touch when he put his arm around her waist. His head settled on the crook of her neck as she light drew circles on the bank of his hand. She could feel his breath on her shoulder as he attempted to try to sleep.

"Someday this pain will be useful to you," Michonne whispered as she looked at the blank wall a couple of feet away from her.

"What?"

Michonne turned so that they were facing each other. "Before Deanna died, she told me 'Someday this pain will be useful to you.'" She paused. It was dark in the room. The only light came from the moonlight that streamed through the window and onto their bodies. She searched Rick's face for any indication that he understood what the saying meant. He squinted his eyes, waiting for her to continue and explain.

"I know we'll come back from this pain. Better and stronger. We have to. But like you said, not now. We can't lose anyone else. Not after…" She couldn't say their names out loud for fear of breaking down again.

Rick pulled her face towards his as her words trailed off. He kissed her on the lips, soft and sweet. He cupped her face in his hands. "We get to come back," he whispered.

Michonne gave a small smile. She settled into his arms with her head on his chest. She could hear the quiet thump of his heartbeat. She loved being close to him. His presence was bringing her back. The walls that were once closing in on her were expanding out. She felt hope again in his words. They would get through this together like it had always been. She was no longer alone. She closed her eyes as she listened to his heartbeat. "We get to come back."


End file.
